hatred

it is my opinion that most people, normal people, never experience true hatred. i believe this because i have.

the bible tells us that to hate someone is the same thing as murder. that used to bug me because as far as i knew i had hated plenty in my past and would never kill anyone.

i was dating someone, who, at the time, i thought was the love of my life. i found out part way through our relationship that her ex-boyfriend had raped her...repeatedly...for more than two years. needless to say this had left her scarred, both emotionally and physically.

throughout our relationship, after this was known, the subject (in one form or another) came up almost everyday. i could see the effects that such an act can have on a person happen right in front of my eyes every single day. it was part of who she was. it tore her in two, every hour, every second. i have never met the man that did this to her, thank God. because there were a few instances in my life when i may have tried to kill him. I know i wanted to. i truly hated him.

i'm not proud of this. it is something to be ashamed of.

i have repented many times, (probably bad theology) but the hardest part is forgiveness. for myself and for him.

scott talked one night about bitterness and how it wasn't a simple fix: give it to God and then it's gone. we sometimes have to keep giving it to God. maybe forever.

i don't use the word "hate" anymore. (at least not seriously) i try and see people, even him, with the love that Christ had. there are many people out there who diserve hatred, and there are many more people out there willing to hate them. i am no longer one of those because of what God has done in my life.

i still think about him everyday. i hope he's got a better life now than what he had then. i hope tomorrow that i can give it to God once more.

YaY!

I finally posted a new part of When Asleep.

check it out!

When Asleep

Romans 8:31-39

So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

hello? God? it's Mat

I have a friend, anyone reading this i'm sure knows who i'm talking about, that moved recently to calgary. she was called by God. I highly doubt that she saw an angel of the Lord, but she knew that she had to go. Wow. I have desired a call for so long now. Something that i just knew i had to do. after a while of not getting one, i decided to simply take every opportunity that came my way, regardless of how far away from my confort zone it was.

on a completely unrelated topic, i'm co-speaking this saturday at club 365.

I have no idea of how it will turn out, but i do take a little confort in knowing that after a few weeks it will probably be forgotten. I have often played with the idea of speaking in church and have written several sermons that will never see the light of day. But actually trying to write something to talk about is a whole lot harder than it sounds. obviously. i haven't written in this blog for almost 2 weeks.

uninspired, that's why. now let's all eat cake

if i smile at you on the street, it doesn't mean that I'm having a good day. If you ask me how I'm doing I might give you an honest answer, so watch out! You may just want to smile back.

just do it.

It's not about how little it will help if you try, it's about how much you try to help.

a drop in the bucket
a single vote
one yay in a world of nay

When Asleep comes to life!

I've had this story in my head for a while now, I've written a few songs on it but I decided to write it down in story form. I'll be posting a new part each time I write it, so if you like you can read it at www.WhenAsleep.blogspot.com or just click the link in the links list.

a word of advise though, don't fall in love with this guy, he's a real dick.

It's Only Racist if it's not Funny

As a Christian my belief in God is solid, my faith in Him, unwavering. At all moments of the day I am in complete joy through Christ, regardless of the circumstances. He is foremost in all of my thoughts and in all things I consider Him. I can tell you that any Christian who denies also being like I am is obviously not a faithful follower of Christ.

And should be stoned to death immediately.

"Ow! Who through that?"

the truth is that there are many points in my life, and sometimes many times of the day that I experience the haunting feeling of doubt. especially when that huge black dog I know tries to bite my arm off.

it's easy to be so full of faith at a small group or a charismatic church service, but working all day with my dad is sometimes very trying. He is an atheist, and he's proud of it. Anyone who doesn't agree with him is stupid! The problem here is that I love my dad. He's one of the smartest men I've ever met. And we agree with each other almost 100% of the time.

He's also bigger than me.

Coming from a non-Christian home, dealing with non-Christian people and having non-Christian friends can be damaging sometimes.

I remember Abraham.

I remember when I prayed, when it really mattered, when my only hope was God and I had nothing left to do but beg Him. I remember when he answered my prayer. But it's not always enough to remember.

So I wanted to say thank you to all of my friends that do have faith. You help me keep mine. More than you know.

God bless.

feelin fine.

no title

i have a job, i have a place to live. Is that because I'm a better person than most people in the world?

Ah! I am so pissed off right now!

I'm 24, and I don't know what I want to do with my life yet. This is a big decision, don't rush me. Maybe I'll never know, maybe it'll come to me tomorrow. One thing I know is that it's gotta be good. I hate the thought of doing something so that I can make money off of it. I think I'd rather be poor. I'm sick and tired of this culture that says, "you have to make a lot of money to be a success." I won't accept it, I won't go along with it. Screw you and your money, I choose something else.

I am unfinished

Is there a remedy to our dad issues?

We were singing that Everclear song about his dad on Thursday and Scott made a comment on how a lot of bands have dad issues. I thought to myself, "Well I had dad issues, but my step-dad is more my dad than i could have hoped. So my problems are over."

not true.

I have 3 memories of my birth dad; he once gave me a plastic sword as a present, when he put it in his mouth and it came out his back I thought he was magic. another time when my mom caught me and said, "stop picking your nose." he said, "Oh he's not, he's just scratching."

and the last was when he knelt down and told me he was leaving. I asked him when he was coming back. He told me, "I'm not coming back."

I think I was almost 3 years old at the time. I've never got a birthday card, or a letter, a phone call, nothing. Thinking about these things I realize that I will always have dad issues. That kind of hurt doesn't fade.

Is there a solution?

I think that we may all be destined to walk around as broken souls and unfinished people. Maybe it's part of our drive to do good. Maybe it's also part of our instinct to do evil. Maybe life is nothing more than a series of choices between yes or no.

Movie Review

Babel sucks, it really really sucks! There's so much suck they couldn't fit it into one movie so they had four plot-lines going and not a single plot!


Brad Pitt...

still sexy.

resurrection

and I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I ever had. lyrics from a power point this morning at the new heights Easter service.

last night I dreamt. I don't know why but I don't normally dream, or at least I don't remember. but last night I did, and I think that I’ll remember this one for a while.

I was walking along the sidewalk with someone, I don't know who. we came across two young men in an argument. it quickly broke out into a fistfight just as we were passing by. I tried to break it up. I did. one man ran away, and the other was trying to hide in some store or something, but I was blocking his way. the police were coming, I could hear the sirens. "I’ve gotta go!" he screamed at me.

"you're going to jail." I said with a smirk.

and then something happened that has never happened in my dreams before. the man quickly, without warning, pulled a silver handgun from his jeans. I was shoving him away at the time so we were right up close. I had no reaction time. he shot me once in the heart. immediately I fell to my knees and he ran off.

I remember thinking, 'I didn't know a gunshot sounded like that' the pain was so real. I clutched my hand over the wound and started faintly saying to the people around me, "I’ve been shot, I’ve been shot." no one noticed. finally as the pain worsened and my throat gurgled I was able to grab someone by the shirt sleeve and say one more time, "I’ve been shot. call 911."

but it was too late. I was seconds away from death.

so I prayed, "Jesus Christ, my savior, forgive me for my sins..."

and that's as far as I got. I woke up with the pain from the bullet wound still lingering. I was clutching my heart. I think I was in tears. when I realized that I was alive, that somehow through some miracle Jesus had taken the bullet out of my heart, I could do nothing but thank Him.

Jesus, thank you that you've concurred my death. Thank you that for at least this moment, I am alive. Please help me to live each day, knowing that I could die the next. Help me Lord to live with abandon. And never let me forget that Sunday morning, when you rose from death and I died just to be reborn.

first time

this is my first time. so be gentle.

i saw a beautiful girl the other day, walking down the street. I've never met her, I'll probably never see her again in my life. so why do i think she's beautiful?

what is a soul? is it my mind, my thoughts, my morals? all these things exist in my brain. is my brain not just another body part? if i lost my legs would i no longer be myself? if i lost my mind, i would still be Mat Steele, i just probably wouldn't know it. i think the soul is more than just the sum of our parts.

God is beautiful. I know this. I've never seen God before, i mean of course I've seen movie pictures of Jesus and all that, but I've never really thought His depiction was all that good looking. And yet I still believe that God is more beautiful than anything I could imagine. So how do I know this? I know because I know Him. I know how He answers prayer, and the beautiful way that He sometimes answers with a "no." I know Him more and more deeply every day. And so I tell you that God is beautiful.

What does beauty have to do with physical appearance? I would argue, nothing. All things are fleeting, especially physical appearance! And so why do I still hear good young men, good young "Christian" men, talking about women as if all they could care about was their perfect butts, or eyes, or teeth, or whatever.

People I beg of you, gouge out your eyes! For they will tell only lies.

Live for the Christ in people, and please don't look for their parts. I'm telling you, they don't add up.