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i have a job, i have a place to live. Is that because I'm a better person than most people in the world?

Ah! I am so pissed off right now!

I'm 24, and I don't know what I want to do with my life yet. This is a big decision, don't rush me. Maybe I'll never know, maybe it'll come to me tomorrow. One thing I know is that it's gotta be good. I hate the thought of doing something so that I can make money off of it. I think I'd rather be poor. I'm sick and tired of this culture that says, "you have to make a lot of money to be a success." I won't accept it, I won't go along with it. Screw you and your money, I choose something else.

I am unfinished

Is there a remedy to our dad issues?

We were singing that Everclear song about his dad on Thursday and Scott made a comment on how a lot of bands have dad issues. I thought to myself, "Well I had dad issues, but my step-dad is more my dad than i could have hoped. So my problems are over."

not true.

I have 3 memories of my birth dad; he once gave me a plastic sword as a present, when he put it in his mouth and it came out his back I thought he was magic. another time when my mom caught me and said, "stop picking your nose." he said, "Oh he's not, he's just scratching."

and the last was when he knelt down and told me he was leaving. I asked him when he was coming back. He told me, "I'm not coming back."

I think I was almost 3 years old at the time. I've never got a birthday card, or a letter, a phone call, nothing. Thinking about these things I realize that I will always have dad issues. That kind of hurt doesn't fade.

Is there a solution?

I think that we may all be destined to walk around as broken souls and unfinished people. Maybe it's part of our drive to do good. Maybe it's also part of our instinct to do evil. Maybe life is nothing more than a series of choices between yes or no.

Movie Review

Babel sucks, it really really sucks! There's so much suck they couldn't fit it into one movie so they had four plot-lines going and not a single plot!


Brad Pitt...

still sexy.

resurrection

and I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I ever had. lyrics from a power point this morning at the new heights Easter service.

last night I dreamt. I don't know why but I don't normally dream, or at least I don't remember. but last night I did, and I think that I’ll remember this one for a while.

I was walking along the sidewalk with someone, I don't know who. we came across two young men in an argument. it quickly broke out into a fistfight just as we were passing by. I tried to break it up. I did. one man ran away, and the other was trying to hide in some store or something, but I was blocking his way. the police were coming, I could hear the sirens. "I’ve gotta go!" he screamed at me.

"you're going to jail." I said with a smirk.

and then something happened that has never happened in my dreams before. the man quickly, without warning, pulled a silver handgun from his jeans. I was shoving him away at the time so we were right up close. I had no reaction time. he shot me once in the heart. immediately I fell to my knees and he ran off.

I remember thinking, 'I didn't know a gunshot sounded like that' the pain was so real. I clutched my hand over the wound and started faintly saying to the people around me, "I’ve been shot, I’ve been shot." no one noticed. finally as the pain worsened and my throat gurgled I was able to grab someone by the shirt sleeve and say one more time, "I’ve been shot. call 911."

but it was too late. I was seconds away from death.

so I prayed, "Jesus Christ, my savior, forgive me for my sins..."

and that's as far as I got. I woke up with the pain from the bullet wound still lingering. I was clutching my heart. I think I was in tears. when I realized that I was alive, that somehow through some miracle Jesus had taken the bullet out of my heart, I could do nothing but thank Him.

Jesus, thank you that you've concurred my death. Thank you that for at least this moment, I am alive. Please help me to live each day, knowing that I could die the next. Help me Lord to live with abandon. And never let me forget that Sunday morning, when you rose from death and I died just to be reborn.

first time

this is my first time. so be gentle.

i saw a beautiful girl the other day, walking down the street. I've never met her, I'll probably never see her again in my life. so why do i think she's beautiful?

what is a soul? is it my mind, my thoughts, my morals? all these things exist in my brain. is my brain not just another body part? if i lost my legs would i no longer be myself? if i lost my mind, i would still be Mat Steele, i just probably wouldn't know it. i think the soul is more than just the sum of our parts.

God is beautiful. I know this. I've never seen God before, i mean of course I've seen movie pictures of Jesus and all that, but I've never really thought His depiction was all that good looking. And yet I still believe that God is more beautiful than anything I could imagine. So how do I know this? I know because I know Him. I know how He answers prayer, and the beautiful way that He sometimes answers with a "no." I know Him more and more deeply every day. And so I tell you that God is beautiful.

What does beauty have to do with physical appearance? I would argue, nothing. All things are fleeting, especially physical appearance! And so why do I still hear good young men, good young "Christian" men, talking about women as if all they could care about was their perfect butts, or eyes, or teeth, or whatever.

People I beg of you, gouge out your eyes! For they will tell only lies.

Live for the Christ in people, and please don't look for their parts. I'm telling you, they don't add up.